As the only in-house copywriter at Firebox from 2010-2012, I wrote original content for 90% of the products. This included a strapline, 150-300 words of sales copy, key feature bullet points and technical specs. The product offering ranged dramatically from the latest high-spec gadgets to this sort of wonderful nonsense…

FEATURED COPY

CAT SCRATCHING DJ DECKS

I HAZ MADE DEADMAUS

Cats will scratch. And so will DJs. So why not combine these worlds and pass the mic to puss with the Cat DJ Scratching Decks. Looking like a miniature turntable, this ingenious scratching pad is a great way to curb your cat’s scratching habits. And it’ll give you plenty to laugh at as they make like a DJ and give that record a spin.

Designed by the cool cats at SUCK UK, these Scratching Decks are even decorated with custom stickers from ‘I love Tuna’ to ‘RUN DOG’. Now all your Cat DJ needs is a name. Krafty Kats? No wait… Puss ‘n’ Beats! Oh alright, you have a go then.

KONTROL SURFACE DJ MIDI CONTROLLER

BEATS IN THE WOOD

Part control panel from the USS Enterprise, part Hammond organ, the Kontrol Surface DJ MIDI Controller is a dazzling new way to lay down your sound. Designed to wow the crowd before the bass has even kicked in, the multitouch control surface functions just like a traditional mixing desk. But why in Van Helden’s name has it been modelled on a Corby trouser press?

Good question. We have absolutely no idea. But you have to admire the nerve of any company brazen enough to dress a cutting edge gadget in such retro threads. There’s even a brass plaque on the back bearing the Smithson Martin name. Take that, Apple!

But if you can’t look past the Atari 2600 styling, don’t worry. Once the lights go out and the fog rolls in, it’ll just be you and that eye-popping 22 inch (56cm) touchscreen. And that’s where this bit of kit really comes into its own.

As much a light show as a mixing desk, this chemically strengthened pure glass surface can be customised to suit you. Use the included Emulator Modular software to move buttons, sliders, circular knobs and jog wheels; until everything is right where you want it. You can even add your own custom graphics. Then all you need is to make some noise…

Connecting to any laptop or computer, the Kontrol Surface DJ MIDI Controller gives you instant access to your tracks. And with four simultaneous touchpoints, it’s ideal for multitasking as you drop one after another into the mix. Perfect for either studio or live performances, this high-tech deck is a striking way to bring a little wow (and WTF?!) factor to your sessions. Just don’t be surprised when people request Gimme Some Lovin’.

WATER ROCKER WIRELESS SPEAKER

PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC, WHITE BUOY

Whether you’re lounging in a private pool or soaking in the bath, the Water Rocker Wireless Speaker is a great way to take your tunes with you. Completely submersible, this waterproof speaker will happily bob about in the water, pumping out your favourite music (Handel, whale song, Jaws theme, etc.) while your mobile or MP3-player stays safe and dry on the land.

Just plug your iPhone, iPod or other audio device into the transmitter and close the lid. It’ll wirelessly beam your tunes to the Water Rocker where you can pause, play and skip tracks without leaving the water. And with a range of up to 100ft you can even carry it with you while you swim lengths. Anyone for water polo?

B.I.G POWER GLOVE

GIVE ‘EM A BIG HAND

Totally bonkers but brilliantly fun, the B.I.G Power Hand turns your tiny human hand into a giant robot mitt. Just slip on this awesome right-handed glove (apologies to wannabe cyborg lefties) and the giant robot fingers will mimic the same action as your own squishy digits.

It’s perfect for big hellos, clear directions, monster back-rubs and picking giant noses (amongst other things) and even features an opposable thumb and rubberised grips for picking things up. Pop it on and all questions like “why?” and “what for?” will be quickly crushed under your mighty mechanical fist. Taxi!

FLEXIBATH

I’VE GONE ALL CRINKLY!

Anyone with a baby these days will be familiar with the miniature garden ponds that are sold as baby baths. True, these great big plastic tubs make bathing your little one far easier (and safer) than in a grown-up sized bath. But where in Ballamory are you meant to put them once you’ve finished?

Usually they’ll end up cluttering the family bathroom or being consigned to the spare room. But if you’ve got a Flexibath you can just fold it up after use and pop it out of the way.

This forehead-slappingly simple plastic design folds almost completely flat, making storing it far simpler. A non-slip surface on the bottom keeps your baby comfortable and the tough polypropylene walls are rigid enough to avoid any spills. When bath time is over, simply pull out the rubber plug in the bottom and let the water drain away. Now, if only we could find a flat-pack rubber duck.

TRUE BLOOD MERLOTTE’S BEER GLASS

WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR VEINS

Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got. Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot. Wouldn’t you like to get away? Well, before you get too settled on your bar stool and too far down your True Blood Merlotte’s Logo Beer Stein, just double check your exits. Because sometimes people can be glad you came, for all the wrong reasons.

Bearing the logo of Merlotte’s bar from TV’s True Blood – where vampires mill amongst humans – this 35oz (1litre or 1 3/4 pints) glass is a must-have accessory for any fan of the series. Drink your favourite beer, juice, or synthetic alternative to blood. Just be sure to leave quietly.

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